Death by Chatbot
Fate Lost in Digital Labyrinths
This tale pits human urgency against technology’s cold mechanics. Have you ever felt trapped in a system designed to help?
Share your experience because I know I’m not alone in this one!
Thank you for calling HealthCo, we appreciate your choosing us for your health care needs. Para continuar en español, oprima el ocho.
“English.”
Hi! I’m Bingo, your automated assistant—how can I help you today?
“I’ve been stabbed.”
That doesn’t sound good! Can you tell me more?
“There is a fucking knife sticking out of my stomach.”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Can you try again please?
“I have a knife stuck in me and I’m bleeding profusely.”
I understand you have been stabbed. That’s rather serious.
“You’re telling me, Bingo…”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Is there something I can do to help?
“Can I speak to a doctor?”
Of course! That’s what HealthCo is for. Our teams of expert medical professionals are standing by to help you.
…
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Did you have another question? You can say things, ‘refill prescription,’ ‘check claim status,’ or ‘manage my account.’
“Can I speak to a doctor?”
Of course! That’s what HealthCo is for. Our teams of expert medical professionals are standing by to help you.
…
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Do you still need help?
“I said DOCTOR!”
I understand you want to speak with a doctor and I’m glad to help you with that. Before I connect you, I need to get a little information.
“Oh my god…”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Can you try again please?
“I need to speak to a doctor.”
I understand you want to speak with a doctor and I’m glad to help you with that. Before I connect you, do you have a HealthCo patient ID number?
“What? No…”
Having a HealthCo patient ID number ensures your medical records are kept together should you need them. Joining HealthCo is free and easy. I’d be glad to set up an account for you right now. Once you are registered, you’ll have access to your HealthCo patient portal where you can track your health in one easy place. Would you like to get started?
“No.”
I understand you don’t want to sign up for a HealthCo account. Without a patient identification number, you won’t have access to our portal and you will miss out on special offers that will save you money on future visits with our team of qualified medical professionals. Do you want to continue?
“Can we do this part later? I need to speak to a doctor now.”
Of course—I’ll save all your information as we go and I can help you set up your account later.
“Gre…ugh…”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Are you ready to proceed?
“Yes.”
Great! To get started, what is your first name?
“Alexey.”
Hi, Alex—thanks for providing your first name. What’s your last name?
“No, my name is Alexey.”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Can you try again please?
“My first name is not Alex. It is Alexey. That is A-L-E-X-E-Y.”
I see. Sorry about that, I have corrected your name to Alexey. Have I got that right?
“Yes.”
Thank you for confirming and my apologies for getting it wrong. I’ll do better from here on.
“Hope so...can I speak to a…doctor now?”
I understand you want to speak with a doctor and I’m glad to help you with that. Before I connect you, I need a little more information.
“Jesus Christ.”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. To continue, I need to know your last name, Alexey.
“Zyuzin.”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Can you try again please?
“Zyuzin.”
I’m still having trouble understanding you. If you’d prefer, you can use your touchtone keypad to spell your name.
“I would, but I’m using my other hand to hold my fucking stomach together because there is a goddamn knife sticking out of me.”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Could you try again please?
“Z-Y-U-Z-I-N. My last name is Zyuzin.”
Got it. Thank you for confirming your last name…Alexey…Zyuzin.
“Doctor…please…”
Before I can connect you with a doctor, I need a little more information. What is your birthdate?
“Why does it matter how old I am? I need medical attention!”
I understand that you need urgent attention and I assure you, HealthCo takes your care very seriously. But I am afraid I need to collect this information before we can proceed.
“March 31 of ‘85.”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. To provide your birthdate, please provide the two digit month, two digit date, and four digit year.
“Zero-three, three-one, one-nine eight-five.”
I heard you say March 31 of ’85, is that correct?
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Can you try again please?
“DOCTOR! I need a DOCTOR! Do you hear me!?”
I understand you want to speak to a doctor. Did you know that members of HealthCo Premiere receive medical attention an average of twenty minutes faster? Signing up is easy and I’d be glad to help you register.
“Am I dead already?”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Would you be interested in learning more about HealthCo Premiere? For a small monthly fee, you’re guaranteed priority access to care and become eligible for HealthCo rewards which you can use on your favorite brands like Le Creuset, Louis Vuitton, Sharper Image, and more.
“I don’t want to…fucking sign up for…rewards. I need help!”
I understand you’re looking for help and you’ve come to the right place. My name is Bingo, HealthCo’s automated assistant, and I’m here to help!
“So do it.”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Can you try again please?
“I need…a doctor…”
I understand you’re ready to speak with a doctor. To connect you with a doctor, how do you intend to pay for your care today? We accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and PayPal. Which of these would you prefer?
“M…m—mmm…ugh…”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Would you like to pay using Visa, Mastercard, American Express or PayPal. If you’d like, I can store your preferred method of payment to your account so it will be available every time you use HealthCo’s services.
“I don’t have an account.”
Joining HealthCo is free and easy. I’d be glad to set up an account for you. Once registered, you’ll have access to the HealthCo patient portal where you can track your health in one easy place. Would you like to get started?
“Fuck off.”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Could you try again please?
“I don’t want…an account…I need…care…”
In order to provide you with the care you are seeking, I’ll need to have a payment method on file. Providing your payment preference up front will streamline the billing process, allowing you to rest and recuperate after receiving your care.
“Fi—ugh…PayPal.”
I understand you’d like to be billed through PayPal. To ensure we can reach you, I’ll need your email address.
“Not again…”
Sorry I didn’t quite get that. Could you try again please?
“alexey.zyuzin@standardxmail.com. A-L-E-X…E-Y…dot-Z-Y…U-Z-I…N…at standard-x-mail-dot-com.”
I have your email address as alexey.zyuzin@standardxmail.com. Is this correct?
“Sure, that you…get…”
Sorry I didn’t quite get that. Is your email address alexey.zyuzin@standardxmail.com?
“Yes.”
Great! Thank you for confirming.
“I…NEED…A…GODDAMN…DOCTOR.”
Of course, HealthCo has thousands of medical professionals waiting to assist you.
“I’ll believe it when you connect me.”
Of course, let’s get you in the queue for medical attention.
“Queue?”
I understand how it can be unpleasant to wait, but I assure you our team is working as quickly as they can to assist everyone who calls HealthCo.
“I can’t…wait…getting faint.”
Did you know that members of HealthCo Premiere receive medical attention an average of twenty minutes faster? Signing up is easy and I’d be glad to assist you.
“Is this hell?”
Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Would you be interested in learning more or signing up for HealthCo Premiere today?
“No. I need…a…doctor…”
I understand you’re not interested in signing up for HealthCo Premiere. If you change your mind in the future, please visit our website to learn more.
“Doctor! DOCTOR! DOCTOR…NOW!”
Your estimated wait to speak with the doctor is twelve minutes. To make your wait more pleasant, please select from the following options for music: for classical, press or say one; for pop instrumental, press or say two; for global sensations, press or say three; for smooth jazz, press or say four; for polka and yodeling, press or say five; for middle schoolers learning to play the clarinet, press or say six; and for silence, press or say seven.
“Sev—ugh…”
You have chosen silence. Thank you for choosing HealthCo.
“So much…blood…”
Thank you for your patience, the doctor will be right with you. Please stay on the line after to complete a short survey about your experience today.
“Hello, my name is Doctor Hawkins. With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking today? Hello? Is there anyone there?”
Thank you for reading! Wanderlust & Wordplay offers a blend of humorous expat memoir 🌍, serialized mystery fiction ✍️, and dystopian sci-fi 🧬
It seems impossible that this hasn't happened somewhere at least once already.
Great little piece. Funny while simultaneously providing a serious critique of both automated phone answering services and privatised healthcare. Very nicely done.