Anger Ball
Let Frustration Fuel the Fire of Reinvention
Have you ever turned a setback into a breakthrough? Whether facing massive challenges or little frustrations, share how you've channeled anger to spark change!
I’ll go first…
Things don’t always go according to plan, I know this. I understand it on an intellectual level as a necessary truth. And yet, I still manage to get irrationally angry when they don’t.
In most of my Immigrant Hagelslag, I’ve been revelatory and excited about the move to another country and, in broad strokes, I absolutely am. There have been so many signs that we are right where we should be. I promise I’m not doctoring up my tales to only show the good parts because there have been a great many; however, there have also been a few thorns in my side.
I’m looking at you, Delta.
Ever since I begged my grandmother to give me my own television for high school graduation (I’m old enough that it wasn’t the flat kind), it has been my habit to find a movie I enjoy and watch it to death. I started with VHS tapes before evolving into DVDs and eventually MP4s.
The title of this essay comes from one of my “watched to death” list: Playing By Heart. A star-studded cast whose seemingly disparate storylines converge at the end of the film, revealing all of the characters to be orbiting a trio of sisters and their parents…I’d apologize for spoiling it but it’s from 1998 so you’ve had more than enough time. One of the hints to the characters’ interconnections is a term the family members use to describe someone in a fit of pique as being an “anger ball.”
Fans of children’s literature may be more used to thinking of them as terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days…
This week, we had an “afspraak” at the IND to pick up our resident cards, which had been ready since January but undeliverable because they couldn’t notify us to pick them up without a permanent address (the world’s finest chicken or the egg scenario). William worked with our legal team to get the information we needed and scored us a joint appointment a short walk from our new home where we were to receive the crown jewel in our relocation process.
Or so we thought…
Returning to the same loket we visited after arriving, we knew the drill and arrived exactly six minutes early so we had enough time for a deep breath before we crossed over the threshold. We even had enough Dutch at the ready to navigate checking in—a relief to the attendant who admitted her native tongue is easier for her to manage.
I hear you, lady.
After a brief wait, William scanned his index finger prints to confirm he was himself—despite no longer having the mustache he had when we had our biometrics taken—and was handed the pale purple-pink card we have been coveting since this crazy adventure began. It’s about time, since he can’t start his business without an appointment at the Chamber of Commerce which he can’t attend without said residence card.
Mine, on the other hand, ended up in Amsterdam.
Having been that close and being presented with one more hurdle before the finish line, I was crestfallen. When I get that kind of disappointment, my first response is to numbly accept it and implode for a little while until I can process the upset. Frankly, only an utter blockhead would miss the signs of a powder keg near a live wire. As is his kind and loving nature, William jumps right into “how can I help make it better” mode. I adore him for sharing his resilience when mine is on the fritz…but in those moments, I don’t want help from anybody unless they can achieve my immediate objective.
As magic as he is, William couldn’t pull my residence card out from behind my ear.
When I’m an anger ball, I get pretty spiky…to put it nicely. My responses are short and I make no effort to hide my exasperation. I’ve heard the harsh way my words sound, but I don’t descend into shouting obscenities or name calling…well, unless you’re one of my brothers. In a customer service situation, I’m forcefully polite with the people who are (I’m assuming) doing their best to assist, even when they’re telling me something other than what I’m expecting to hear.
Raised in the land of “Minnesota Nice,” I often feel as though I’m not entitled to be angry. It’s culturally more common to smile in the face of a slight, if only to unleash a litany of insults after the fact (and safely behind their back). William never cared for that artifice where he encountered it, and I wonder if it is any part of why I devolve into an “anger ball” the way I do.
According to the Geneva Academy’s RULAC, there are more than 100 armed conflicts going on across the globe right now. Thousands upon thousands of people whose lives are in a much greater state of terror than my own and I have the gall to be upset over not getting my residence card on the first try?
Not long after the war in Ukraine began, I remember reading about how it’s the duty of those in more stable positions to feel joy or happiness—to keep the current alive, especially when it can’t be felt everywhere. Considering the suffering of others, I don’t have much about which to complain, certainly: I have a warm place to sleep, food to eat, and am not in immediate mortal danger. I’m incredibly fortunate to have moved to a different country and to have a partner like I do in William.
But that doesn’t mean I’m any less entitled to being pissed off by things that are just absurdly stupid, right?
As hard as it is to get customer service from a US company while stateside, it is even harder to do so from abroad. It’s unfortunately entirely too common for you to have to call during “business hours” which means I spend most of the day building up to a 4:00 PM phone call to beg an automated operator to connect me with an agent (there’s a short story in there somewhere).
For reference, I’ve found that if you just say human over and over again in a tearful manner, it usually works…except when trying to get Delta to refund a fare to an open rather than a closed credit card…🤬
I will be the first to admit that I’m an Apple snob. I fell for the Mac vs PC branding, I was an early adopter of digital music, and I was about to head out on tour when the first iPhone released so it felt like fate for me to have a live map in my pocket as I ventured into unknown cities every few weeks. Several many iPhones, iPads, Watches, iPods, Pencils, MacBooks, and AirPods later, I’m a lost cause…though I’ve never needed an AirTag.
I’m sure I bought Playing By Heart on iTunes during my tour years while hungry for anything that would bring the “feeling of home” to an endless string of extended stay hotel rooms. Note that I said iTunes which is what they called it before it became AppleTV and long before anyone had thought of adding “+” to their services to make them cost more. I haven’t watched that particular movie in ages, but I always pass the little tile with a smile when scrolling through the library of digital movies I’ve amassed over many years living in the United States.
That last bit is important because, ICYMI: we moved to The Netherlands.
After moving into our permanent apartment, I changed my phone’s region (and language) because there’s no teacher like immersion. But in order to download some of the essential apps here, you must also change the region on your Apple account. Apparently, they don’t want just anyone downloading the energy company’s app. Making said region change is, on the surface, deceptively simple…but as Janeane Garofalo so eloquently put it, “it’s the hidden ice that will fuck up your boat.”
As the Apple-head, I’m the one in charge of our “family” subscription to music and file storage and, apparently, you can’t change your region without cancelling all your subscriptions…nor can you start a new one until you have a credit card with a billing address in your new region…dizzying right?
I tried to make the necessary changes but found I couldn’t do so until our US-based one fully lapsed. Luckily, I’ve been in the game for long enough that I have more than one Apple account, so I simply started our EU subscription with the other one and waited patiently…
…like a fool.
The day after I changed my second account’s region to The Netherlands, my music profile vanished. I know we’re in a new country, starting a new life, but I listen to a lot of music and building from nothing in that space as well as every other felt like a gut punch. Years of teaching the algorithm what to feed me all seemingly gone just as I was putting the finishing touches on a new playlist—click to listen 😇.
Fortunately, I was able to invite my second Apple account to be a distinct member of our new European family plan. Despite having lost some weight walking this new city, I’m now two-thirds of our “Apple family throuple.”
The kicker was that my movie library was unalterably borked. At first, half were gone but after a few restarts, the full library showed back up; however, when I went to watch Hidden Figures, Apple expected me to pay for it again…this time in Euros. It’s not the same as living through genocide, but I felt like Linus after Lucy’s stolen his blanket. Even though I don't watch half of them anymore, the fact that I couldn’t suddenly had me flailing—what will I sleep through if not Ghostbusters (2016)? I’ve barely gotten tired of My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3!
There is no rhyme or reason to which movies will and won’t transcend regional lines and, after being led astray by several of Apple’s decidedly non-Geniuses, the only solution seems to be for me switch my account between regions whenever I want to watch something that I “own in the US,” a process that also requires a billing address for each country.
In 2024 alone, Delta and Apple collected profits totaling nearly 100 BILLION dollars but I am meant to eat the cost of my refundable fare and buy The Martian a second time without any upset?
Fortunately, Playing By Heart is available in both regions so I didn’t have to switch to rewatch it before finishing this installment. I remember it surprisingly well…some of the dialogue a little too well, if I’m being completely honest. It’s also a fascinating window into my younger mind: Angelina Jolie’s character’s brash confidence is absolutely something I tried to model despite feeling much more like Gillian Anderson’s character, choosing unhappiness rather than being open to the possibility of being hurt by anyone. There’s also a whole sub-plot around HIV/AIDS (huge in the late 90’s, no wonder I was scared to come out) with, of course, a token straight actor “bravely” playing gay…
In the world of the movie, the phrase “anger ball” is used to try to coax a person out of their foul mood because it isn’t comfortable to be around someone who is angry. Anger is an emotion we’re taught to think of as dangerous, one we’re encouraged to sublimate. I’d wager anyone outside of customer service will do whatever they can to make someone else’s go away, including telling them to simply stop being upset.
After years of swallowing my own anger, I was left with terrible heartburn and a neck and shoulders made of rock. I’ve been trying to let myself feel it, especially over the stupid little things that don’t really matter simply because it’s good practice and is far healthier than holding onto it until my body absorbs it. That trapped energy has to be released eventually…
I also seem to have a lot less to talk to myself about in the shower if I’ve processed my feelings properly.
There’s nothing bad about not having my residence card in hand—it exists, they see that I’m allowed to be here when they look me up…but I still really want it. It’s the icing on this whole cake of an experience, a tangible metaphor for the mountains we have moved to upend and rebuild our lives.
While no one could find the reason our cards were sent to different offices, they did offer to ship mine to The Hague—a process that would take up to three weeks, despite the myriad of trains running between the two cities every day of the week.
Making my own trip to Amsterdam to pick it up isn’t a big deal, by any means. Most people reading this would love to have an excuse (and proximity) to visit this country’s beautiful capital, even for a mundane errand. The irony is that we already had a trip planned to have our respective prescriptions renewed and refilled and, of course, the Amsterdam IND had no appointments that day…
Deep breath…I’m so lucky, everything works out for me.
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Omg Gillian, I can SO identify. Thailand turns me into an anger ball on an almost daily basis!!! (A big reason why we're moving to Spain!). And yes there's much worse problems but frustration is frustration and like you said, you must honour it or it'll destroy your nervous system ❤️
I love the awareness in this piece—it’s refreshing and true. I relate to that feeling....when I get mad at seemingly ‘little things’ (for others), it’s like I’m suddenly not entitled to be upset or angry. And I always thought, Oh, so I have to be totally fucked up in life to be allowed to be angry? I didn’t know there was a membership required lol.
But anger needs to be felt and released (not in a violent way) because when left unchecked, it festers into something worse and can ultimately result in violence. Anger is much like sadness....it just needs to be acknowledged.
Anyway, I’m ranting here ahaha, but I really enjoyed this—thank you for sharing.